Parenting through divorce is a responsibility for biological parents regardless if they choose to remarry or not. If remarriage does take place, a parent is a parent forever and cannot be replaced. A child usually remains loyal to a biological parent and will resist an intruder who tries to take the absent parent’s place. It is natural for stepparents to feel competitive with their predecessors and may attempt to act as a better spouse and parent. Children usually see their behavior as an attempt to take over and do not like to see their biological parents on the losing end of a contest. Resentment may be the result due to the fierce loyalty to the natural parent. Some children become torn with guilt and loyalty conflicts between the stepparent and biological parent. The relationship between stepparent and stepchildren works best if the space formerly shared by the absent parent and child is protected rather than filled. A stepparent needs to develop new rituals and a unique role with a stepchild without moving in on the absent parent’s turf.

It is important to define the role of the stepparent to avoid confusion in children about who is in charge of them and their actions. The parent, stepparent, and child need to communicate and agree on the boundaries and rights of the stepparent. Stepparents and stepchildren need to build a relationship with each other before attempting any form of discipline. Allow the biological parent to handle discipline while the stepparent bonds with stepchildren. Most children worry that accepting the stepparent is being disloyal to the absent parent. Try not to interpret your step children’s resistance or behavior as negative. It is natural and to be expected for a while. When biological parents allow stepparents the role of disciplinarian, children often feel betrayed and are likely to be at odds with both stepparent and parent.
In the beginning, a stepparent may feel threatened by the co-parental relationship between biological parents. The stepparent should never be involved with an ex-spouse in an angry or abusive way. That would be detrimental to the trust children have in adult behavior. Any conflict should be settled between co-parents, not the stepparent.